Good Morning February

An Update:

We are knee deep in second quarter and I am ready to throw myself off a building.

That seems dark, but I really don't know how to express my frustration.

I seriously think I'm going to cry.

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So here's what you missed on Glee:

1) Mid terms. The end. They are not going well, thanks to my annual bout of no-motivation-not-able-to-function.

2) I officially need to go gluten free. Unfortunately, the detox because of how allergic to it I am was giving me migraines so I was even less functional. Then I went back on gluten and I don't feel as good, but I'm not curled on the floor, so I don't know what to do.

3) My room is a mess. And it's my fault. And I haven't been doing my dishes. Or my homework. And I hate myself for it.

4) I decided to tell my room mate a story, one that is very, very personal and it hurt to tell, and now she isn't looking at me the same way. I think she is worried about me and seriously thinks I'm going to off myself. (I AM NOT). I don't tell people things because I do not want their worry or their pity. I just want them to know and understand. I have yet to find a human being that understands that.

5) I hate my classes. Again. Seriously. I have five classes (Post-Production, Logic, Story Genera and Structure, Early Church Fathers, and The Brother's Karamazov). I like one, tolerate 3, and despise another. School is the root of my problems.

6) I feel like I need to take some time and just get myself together, so I feel really good about myself and can function again, but I don't have time. Because it would take about a month of therapy and isolation and I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME. AND THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HECK I NEED MY SPACE.
No offense, I love you all, but I need time to collect myself and I can't do that like this.

So I'm just in a bad mood, and it's no one's fault. I wish I could blame it on medication or something, but I can't I just feel genuinely lousy and I can't deal with it. I want to just go. Just run for a while until I feel better and I can't and I need a break and some time and help I just need to leave for a while, ok? I just want to go somewhere I don't feel like everyone is watching me, and be in the free air and just exist and not be part of any of this craziness.

I'm a strange soul, one who the laws of time have forgotten and I feel the loneliness. If there was such a thing as a red string of fate this would be the day I beg for the one who holds the other end of my string to come and find me, because I need my mirror. I need him. I can feel him sometimes, in a strange, unworldly way, and I wonder if he can feel me too, and if he aches for me like I do for him.

I'm sorry. I'll go now. I probably shouldn't blog at 2AM.